The Eyes of My Heart

So, it's nearly midnight. I have a paper to write and a book to read. Welcome to college. Welcome to reality, or life as we perceive it.

Four Tetrarchs in Venice
embracing and united in something
beyond themselves--perhaps
history can teach us something
about friendship, no?

What a blessed day. Wednesdays can be dreadfully long--non-stop action from nine to nine--but today, like every day, was such a blessing. Even when I wanted to close my eyes and simply smack my mental snooze-button into the next hour, God would awaken the eyes of my heart in one way or another. 


I have wonderful friends. I don't express that enough. Sadly, I don't always take action, either. Through recognizing my vices and detecting particular flaws, I myself have come to discover and understand that I am not a good friend--it truly is a miracle that I even have friends!! Whether it be states, oceans, high-security dormitories, reading quizzes, or any of life's circumstances and conditions, things just have a way of jumbling up friendships. But even in the chaos of ordinary life, God reveals the extraordinary. He reveals Himself through the gift of friendship.


Throughout the day, whether it be at habitual work, the cozy Capp Bar, the monotonous sidewalks, the unproductive study-room or the Chapel, my friends have been there for me, directly and indirectly. And they don't (always) realize the love they radiate!! I feel it in their hugs, their jokes, their looks of compassion...


I could go on. I should go on. This doesn't bestow proper justice, not in the least. But, it's past midnight. Hello, college. Hello, Thursday. Time to hit the books--or maybe just the sack. 


God bless, 
Meg

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord

Open the eyes of my heart

I want to see You

I want to see You

To see You high and lifted up

Shinin' in the light of Your glory

Pour out Your power and love

As we sing holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

We cry holy, holy, holy

You are holy, holy, holy

I want to see you

Mawwage and Twu Wuv

Christmas 2009

Mayhaps I'm a typical UD student. Mayhaps I am a typical female. But "mawwage" has been a topic on my mind and in my heart during the past weekend. Go ahead, mock my x-chromosomes.


Yesterday, April 9, marked my parent's 32rd anniversary. Thirty-two years, good grief! I must admit, this year is a bit different. My parents, for reasons I dare not explain, have been separated for almost a year. Sadly, they will more than likely remain that way. Their marriage has certainly taught me what love is--and what it isn't. My thoughts have been centered on them for the majority of this weekend, but my thoughts (as they tend to do) wandered from reality to the imaginary and the hypothetical...


Most girls, at one point or another, plan their weddings. Sorry to break it to you, gents, but chances are your lady has every miniscule detail, right down to the frilly napkin holders, picked out. Call me crazy, but I've never gone to that extreme. True, I've always imagined a fall wedding with crisp, orange leaves sprinkling the ground. Would that be scenic with scarlet dresses adorning my bridesmaids? But that is as far as it goes with me. I kind of blank when I picture that theoretical day. The truth is, I've never been able to picture myself in a wedding dress. I don't fantasize about walking down the aisle. And don't get me started on that whole groom part...I suppose he is somewhat important in this blissful event. All I can ever picture is a pair of polished, black shoes and square shoulders filling out a square coat. He looks more like a transformer, I suppose, than a man. Essentially, I only imagine my closest girlfriends and I playing dress-up for Prom Part II...yet wait, where's my dress?!


But a strange thought came over me during Mass yesterday. I realized that I like being single. Correction: I love being single. It is not an easy business "ridin' solo--" mainly because it involves me, myself, and I. As you can imagine, dear reader, I am perfectly imperfect. Somedays, I can't even look in the mirror and if I do, boy do I nitpick. It's my daily struggle (along with the rest of the world's) to learn to love myself and see what others love about me. 

Flowers in Paris, Spring 2010

This is a different kind of love. Less black and white, more gray. But it is the love that Christ is calling me towards. Pray for me to endure it! 

[insert zombie mutterings here]

For the last week and a half, I have been in zombie-mode. Any solutions? I've been googling zombie cures, but alas, no remedies as of yet. I would write more, but blankly staring at this bright screen...ahhhh, it torments me!

Frankly, I'd much rather drink a zombie than act like one. 

Have a pleasant Wednesday,
Meg

[Blues]day

Can it please be Friday? Please?

My sweet girl, Ivy

Broken

Who isn't?


Lent feels like it has been going on for over forty days now, and I must admit that I have broken my Lenten promises several times within these few weeks. I feel two ways about this: full of shame and full of excuses.


On one hand, the resolutions I desired to make were (and remain) simple. Giving up snacks during work--that one even sounds selfish. Going to daily mass as often as possible--again, sounds slightly inconsiderate because it is at my convenience.  Visiting with the Lord at least once a day. Writing in my journal daily. Being a nicer person. Saying a daily rosary. Focusing on the good things in life rather than the finite pains. Smiling at strangers. All SIMPLE things, no? I thought about giving up coffee but realized that I would surely "DIE!!" without it. How silly. I've turned caffiene into some kind of "elixir of life" when Christ offers his eternal drink to me. And of course, how could I not think about the afterlife during the season of Lent? A teacher of mine one time joked that heaven would be something like a great feast, and we'd be amongst John the Baptist, Paul, Francis, Catherine of Siena, Mother Teresa, and all the great examples of Christ's love. What did they do to understand God's love? They gave up their lives to Him. And me? Well, I gave up snacks. Except on Sundays.


But I'm not entirely ashamed of my short-comings. Some days I'll just dismiss them all-together. Satan loves to sneak up on me and just whisper, "It's okay, you're just human, afterall." And I love to use that excuse so often in my life. Last night was an appropriate yet sad example of this. I was too lazy to leave my room to visit Jesus for the day. I excused myself, "Well, just let today count as your Sunday." And that's what I did. I continued procrastinating from my paper by checking facebook constantly and creating a blog. This past week in particular was filled with sad excuses as to why I couldn't finish that final decade of the rosary or why I had to miss weekday Mass in order to sleep for an extra hour.


I have never been perfect in my vocations as a student and as a child of God. I am broken. Being human is something that I must accept but never completely excuse.


I'll end this post with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs called "Christmas Lullaby" from the musical Songs For A New World:

I'll never have the power to control the land
Or conquer half the world
Or claim the sun
I'll never be the kind who simply waves her hand
And has a million people do
The things I wish I'd done

But in the eyes of heaven
My place is assured
I carry with me heaven's grand design
Glory, Oh,
Glory I will sing the name of the Lord
And He will make me shine

And I will be like Mother Mary
With a blessing in my soul
And I will give the world my eyes
So they can see
And I will be like Mother Mary
With a blessing in my soul
And the future of the world inside of me

In the eyes of heaven
My place is assured
I carry with me heaven's grand design
Glory, Oh,
Glory I will sing the name of the Lord
And He will make me shine

And I will be like Mother Mary
With a blessing in my soul
And I will give the world my eyes
So they can see
And I will be like Mother Mary
With a blessing in my soul
And the future of the world inside of me

And I will be like Mother Mary
With the power in my veins
To believe in all the things
I've yet to be
And I will be like Mother Mary
And I'll suffer any pains
For the future of the world
For the future of the world
Inside of me

Ciao and God bless you,

Meg

...But I Am

This seems to be a trend growing faster and faster amongst my friends, this blogging thing. And I am not 100% sure how I feel about this. Perhaps I will end up deleting the darn thing. But maybe not. I never know with me.


That is something that my friends and family also recognize in me--they never fully know what's up with me. Sure, they know me better than myself. For that, I am beyond grateful. I must admit, I am in a transitional phase in life. I am not certain (then again, will I ever be?) who exactly I am. Who exactly I will be. And the uncertainty is driving me up the wall. I make lists all of the time--scribbled post-its, doodled on body parts, etched in the walls of my brain. Even when I go to confession, I have a list in hand--well, I used to anyway. I guess one of the reasons that I am doing this--for now--is to let go. And let God.


Additionally, while I may appear to be the bubbly, bright, and buoyant gal bouncing about, I am also very closed-off. A very close friend of mine scolded me a few months ago: "It's easier to make a rock talk than you!" She is right. She is not the first person to make such a remark either, I assure you. Her words were very much like a rock that broke something dangerous within me. However, the point of this blog is not to open the world wide web up into my deepest, darkest secrets--nay, far from that. But perhaps I need to be more open to the world, the Mystical Body of Christ, that opens itself up to me on a daily basis.


...Still, writing this draft, looking at this screen, and seeing the word BLOG, freaks me out.


Hence, the title of this blog--"Be Not Afraid." Do you know that message appears in the Bible nearly 365 times? Thus, once every day, God reassures us not to be afraid of the world's challenges and toils. I tend to ignore that message, no doubt. It's not the first I have ignored from God. From making lists to possessing the social skills of a rock (my friend's words, not my own!), I know that I have a tendency to do as Adam and Eve did: I make myself a god--and not a very good one at that. But during the remainder of Lent (and more importantly, beyond the season itself), I wish to put aside my own will and unite it to the will of God. Thus, this title of this post is more perfect that I initially realized--the great "I Am" will always be there to catch fallen me.


Perhaps I should go back to writing English papers involving blood, corruption, and greed...for the time being anyway.


God bless you all,
Meg

Always think of Mary's humble, open
"yes" to the angel of the Lord.